i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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