I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
