But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
