Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
