His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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