Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
