You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
