she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
