I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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