I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
