it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
