why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
