The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
We need to get me chipped asap
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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