and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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