did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
