Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
