I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Randomize
