My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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