my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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