He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
