miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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