Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
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watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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