You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
