how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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