I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
