i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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