Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
