Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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