There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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