Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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