I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
