And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
