The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
