DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
