Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Randomize
