I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My hand turned me down
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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