I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
