so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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