She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
