i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird