Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
