i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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