that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
