so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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