I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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