So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
