First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
