just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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