She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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