Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
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Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
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I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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