I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
