P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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