Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
