please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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