when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
