I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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