dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
