it's too hot outside to masturbate.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
