Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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