Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
ttyl tear gas
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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