Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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